


My First Choice

by cosmicci



Category: Jaspar - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Best Friends to Lovers, BoyxBoy, Fluff, M/M, Tears, angst at first, break-ups, first choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 16:16:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6246889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicci/pseuds/cosmicci
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Caspar Lee, you could never be my second choice."</p>
            </blockquote>





	My First Choice

**Author's Note:**

> quick note: Joe and Caspar are eighteen in this one, they're in high school and they're best friends... oh and I tend to ramble a lot in this one... sorry :)

 

Joe was a mess, he was such a _fucking_ mess and he didn’t know how to clean himself up, he didn’t know how to piece himself back together because he wasn’t even sure whether the pieces _existed_ anymore – he wasn’t sure if he had it in him to become whole again. It was funny how his life could change within a matter of minutes, it was so, fucking hilarious how one, single event could break him. He wished he had never stayed behind after school to wait for Matt, he wished he had never decided to try and surprise his boyfriend… he wished he could just go back and erase the last twenty minutes from the timeline of his life.

  
   But he couldn’t and that was what hurt the most.

 

The small boy collapsed onto his couch, cradling his injured hand close to his chest and buried his face into one of the cushions adorning the beige material. He made sure to keep his bleeding hand away from the pale, fabric of the cushions because the last thing he needed was his mother being mad at him for staining her perfect, hand-made cushion covers. Joe gently ran his thumb over the bruised knuckles of his right hand, they were raw and the skin had opened up from the punch he had thrown earlier… possibly the only punch he had thrown in his eighteen years of existence. But that thought didn’t comfort him, it didn’t make him feel ‘proud’ or ‘accomplished,’ it just caused a few more tears to leak out of his big, blue eyes and drip down onto his white school shirt – which was already dotted with blood.

 

He hadn’t meant to punch his boyfriend… or his _ex-boyfriend_ , Matt. It had just sort of happened. Joe had been in a flurry of anger, of disbelief when he had stumbled upon his boyfriend with his hands down some freshman’s jeans, he had been engulfed by an inferno of rage… and of course, when you’re so blinded by anger, you can’t think straight so Joe did what he thought was right at the time – he punched Matt, straight in the jaw. But the punch had gone a bit awry, it had resulted in Matt shuffling back slightly and Joe withdrawing his fist with a pained expression.

 

Well, that was anger.

 

Joe was no longer angry, he was hurt, his heart was broken and the only thing his mind could do to help him feel better was to conjure up past memories of their relationship. That fucking helped, _a lot_. Memories from the past year kept surfacing inside of Joe’s head… each one more bittersweet than the previous one, each one cutting deep into Joe’s already tattered heart… each one making him regret his stupid, teenage love affair. However, if there was one memory that hurt more than every other memory, it was the one that had nothing to do with Matt or their relationship… it was the one that had to do with _Caspar_.

 

  _I’m so stupid._

 

It was the one that had to do with him pushing Caspar away, it was the one where he constantly chose Matt over his best friend time and time again… and Caspar would just smile and say that it was perfectly fine. Except it wasn’t fine, it was fucking awful and Joe wished he could take back those moments because he would have picked Caspar over Matt every damn, time. The thought alone made Joe cry and he hugged the cushion closer to his body before bunching his knees together, a sob wracked through his body, causing his entire frame to shake violently.

 

_I regret everything._

 

  Joe sobbed harder, he had been so smitten with the idea of young love, with the idea of falling in love… with the idea of forgetting… forgetting his feelings for Caspar that he had fallen too hard and too fast for Matt. It had been convenient really, when Matt showed up as he did during Joe’s second last year of school. It had been convenient when they had flirted and laughed, it had been convenient because when he was with Matt, he didn’t think about Caspar, he didn’t think about the feelings that he had for his best friend…. The feelings he had _always_ had and the feelings that didn’t go away because as soon he was free of Matt, Joe would find himself staring up at the ceiling in his room and imagining every, perfect scenario he could have with Caspar.

 

_Caspar._

 

Blonde-haired, blue-eyed, _perfect_ Caspar. His best friend, the boy he had grown up with, the person he had first come out to when he realized that oh, he didn’t like girls… he instead liked boys. He liked Caspar. He _still_ liked Caspar and it was killing him because those feelings would never go away.

 

So maybe it had never been _real_ love. Maybe Joe had been leading Matt along this whole time, just like Matt had admitted to cheating on him with that freshman more than once. Maybe he, _too_ had been cheating on Matt with his thoughts about Caspar. It was twisted and such a fucking mess.

 

 Joe pushed the cushion off of him and it landed on the floor with a soft thump. He rubbed at his eyes furiously, smearing the dried blood from his knuckles across his tear-streaked face and causing him to look even more like a mess than he already was. With his vision blurring with tears, Joe reached for his phone which he had tossed carelessly somewhere as soon as he had come home and scrolled through his contacts list. His heart hammered heavily against his ribcage once he reached Caspar’s name, it made him feel guilty because here he was, crying over the fact that his boyfriend had been cheating on him and the fact that it was _over_ when he had essentially been doing the same thing as well… when he had pushed Caspar out of his life for the past few weeks.

 

_Now I’m crawling back to him. Fuck._

 

His thumb hovered over Caspar’s name and he closed his eyes tightly before pressing hard on his best friend’s name. Joe brought the phone up to his ear and tried to bring his breathing back to normal as he waited for Caspar to pick up… but it was no use, he knew he would start crying again as soon as he heard Caspar’s voice. Caspar picked up on the fourth ring and Joe’s ear was immediately flooded by the rich, baritones of his South-African accent. “Joe?” Caspar said into the phone, his cheery voice causing a few more tears of guilt to leak out of his eyes. “Hey, how did it go with Matt today? Zoe told me that you were going to surprise him or some –

 

  Joe let out a choked noise, followed by a sob before covering his mouth with his free hand. He could hear Caspar on the other end, he was frantically calling his name and it was easy to tell that the South-African was alarmed. Joe pulled his hand away from his mouth and let out a shaky breath, “Casp-Caspar,”

 

“Joe?” Caspar whispered. “What’s wrong? What’s going on? Why are you crying? I can hear you crying, oh god, did Matt do something? What’s –

 

“Caspar,” Joe whimpered. “I’m sorry.”

 

“What the fuck, Joe? What’re you talking about? You have nothing to be sorry about!”

 

“I’m sorry for pushing you away,”

 

Caspar paused in his frantic asking of questions, “It’s okay, I get it.” He said quietly. “You’re in love, it’s only normal to want to be with the person who makes you happy all the time.”

 

Joe started crying harder, “That’s-that’s j-just the _thing_ , Caspar,” He said, his voice breaking slightly. “I made a mistake… I made such a huge mistake.”

 

“Shhh,” Caspar said. “Whatever it is, we can fix it together. Just, please stop crying Joe, I hate hearing you sound so broken.”

 

  He muffled another sob and did his best to compose his voice before saying, “I really need you right now, Casp.”

 

“Are you at home?”

 

“Yes,” Joe whispered.

 

“Stay there, baby,” Caspar replied, softly and the use of the endearment made Joe’s heart swell, it dissipated a small portion of the sadness he was feeling right now and replaced it with warmth, replaced it with Caspar and his sweet, sweet smile. “I’ll be there soon… just give me two minutes, I’ll be there!”

 

“I know,” Joe said quietly. “Casp?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I love you,” He said before ending the call. Joe placed his phone on the coffee table and slumped back against the couch, his face wet with tears and his chest tight. He glanced at the front door, he knew that Caspar would be here soon, he could just picture him running down the street like a madman… like they always used to do whenever one of them had had a bad day. Joe would only have to say the words and Caspar would be there, his arms full of marshmallows and candy and video games.

 

  He wasn’t sure if Caspar could fix this, hell, he wasn’t even sure if _he_ could fix it himself. Joe had gotten himself into a right mess, he had fallen in love just to ignore his love for another person. He felt sick because he couldn’t tell the difference between Matt cheating on him and what he had done for the past year – his secret thoughts about Caspar, his hidden desires. It wasn’t fair and Joe realized that, it hadn’t been fair on anyone.

 

A knock on the door pulled Joe away from his thoughts and the messed up tangle in his head. He wasn’t sure how he got up from the couch, he just knew that he did… and the minute he opened the door, he was immersed by the familiar smell of Caspar and the familiar feel of his arms… which always felt so _right_ wrapped around his waist. Joe buried his face into Caspar’s t-shirt, his shoulders shaking with every breath he took whilst Caspar pressed kisses to his hair, over and over again. “I love you too,” Joe heard Caspar whisper into his hair. “You didn’t give me the chance to say it back on the phone.”

 

Joe smiled into Caspar’s shirt. It was the first time he had smiled since walking through his front door and collapsing on his couch in a fit of tears. Caspar pulled away slightly, he loosened his hold on Joe’s waist and brought one hand up to cup his cheek, to swipe at the moisture underneath his eyelashes. “What’s wrong JoJo?” Caspar asked, shifting closer as Joe leaned into his touch. “Why’re you crying? Did someone hurt –

 

  “Matt and I broke up,” Joe answered flatly, gripping Caspar’s shoulders for support. “He-he hurt me, but I hurt him too.”

 

Caspar raised an eyebrow, he was about to ask Joe what he meant when he suddenly noticed Joe’s right hand and the newly formed scabs along his knuckles. “You punched him?”

 

Joe nodded, “But that’s not –

 

“What did he do, Joe? How did he hurt you?”

 

“Caspar,” Joe sighed, pulling his best friend into the house and away from the doorway where all his neighbours could hear their conversation. “It doesn’t matter.”

 

“Yes it does!”

 

“No,” He paused slightly. “It doesn’t. It hurt at first, it hurt to find out that he’d been cheating on me but it was also a wake-up call, Casp. I realized I was never in love with Matt, I was just in love with the idea of him and the idea of _being_ with him… my heart has always belonged to someone else since day one but it just got lost in the process.”

 

Caspar lowered his gaze slightly, “Then he must be a lucky guy.”

 

  Joe smiled before tilting his head to the side and gently cupping Caspar’s chin in his hand. He brought Caspar’s face back up to alignment, back up so that they were looking into each other’s eyes before kissing him. The last thing Joe saw before he closed his eyes and succumbed to the feeling of Caspar’s lips finally being on his was Caspar closing his own eyes, almost _inwardly_ … almost like this wasn’t their first kiss, almost like they had been kissing for years. He felt Caspar’s hands snake up his back, he felt his fingers clench into the fabric of his shirt and then he felt Caspar pulling him _closer_ , impossibly closer until their bodies were plastered together.

 

He whimpered into Caspar’s mouth as the blonde boy tightened his hold around Joe and then the spell was broken, it was as if Joe whimpering brought Caspar back to reality and the South-African let go of his best friend, stumbling backwards as though he had been hit by a tonne of bricks. Joe stared at Caspar, they were both panting from the kiss, Joe’s lips were raw, swollen and Caspar’s hair was everywhere. “Caspar?” Joe’s heart sank, why had he pulled away? Had he not liked the kiss?

 

  Caspar’s face was a canvas of different emotions – guilt, confusion, lust, disappointment… and Joe wasn’t sure which emotion stood out the most, everything was just… everywhere. “I-I can’t, Joe,” Caspar whispered, sounding more broken than Joe had felt only minutes ago. “You-you and Matt just broke up, you aren’t thinking properly… you didn’t-you didn’t kiss me, you shouldn’t have kissed me…”

 

Joe frowned, “Caspar! There is nothing wrong with how I’m thinking!” His voice was rising, both in panic and anger… panic because he was sure he had just made the biggest mistake of his life – even bigger than falling in love with Matt and anger because he had no idea what Caspar was talking about. “I’m perfectly fine.”

 

“You didn’t mean that kiss Joe,”

 

“What’re you talking about? Of course I meant it!”

 

“Your emotions are everywhere, you’re confused about Matt and you’re taking it out on me,”

 

“No I’m not!” Joe shouted, stepping closer to Caspar. “This isn’t about _Matt_ –

 

“I don’t want to be the second choice!” Caspar suddenly yelled.

 

Joe blinked, unsure of what to say and what to think, “What?”

 

  A tear slipped out of Caspar’s eye, “I-I love you Joe, I’ve always loved you. You’re my best friend, you’ve always been there for me no matter what and it should have been inevitable, really. It should have been inevitable that I would fall for you… and I did, just as planned… but then there was Matt and I…” Caspar was stammering now, his voice was trailing off every now and again and Joe was just gaping at him, gaping at him like he had never seen him before in his entire life. “I love you… but I don’t want to be your second choice.”

 

There was silence between the two boys after Caspar’s proclamation, the eerie kind of silence… the kind of quiet that hurts. Joe felt like slapping himself, he felt like slapping Caspar because they were _both_ so stupid. “Caspar, you were never my second choice,” Joe told him. He approached his best friend… his something else and took Caspar’s hand into his own before stroking his thumb over his palm. “Don’t you get it? I kissed you Caspar. I kissed you because _you_ are the lucky guy, _you_ are the person who has held my heart this entire time. I don’t know how it happened because one minute we were best friends and the next minute I was thinking about you kissing me, holding my hand… I was thinking about falling asleep with you.”

 

“What?” Caspar whispered, wiping at his face with a sweater-pawed hand. “You were?”

 

“I-I still do,” Joe blushed. “I was scared to tell you, I thought… I thought it would ruin us and I tried my best to keep my feelings down. Then Matt came along and he was the perfect way to stop thinking about you, I thought I could use him to get rid of my feelings for you. It was an asshole thing to do.”

 

“It was,” Caspar admitted, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

 

Joe grinned and unlaced his fingers from Caspar’s, he pulled Caspar close and cupped the taller boy’s face. “Caspar Lee, you could never be my second choice because you’ve always been my _first_ and don’t you _ever_ forget that.”

 

  Caspar smiled a full-blown smile, the smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes, the smile that made his pale blue depths shine and Joe felt a huge weight being lifted off of his shoulders and his heart. He bent his head down and captured Joe’s lips with his own for another searing kiss that made him shiver with delight. As their mouths moved together, Caspar lifted Joe up and the smaller boy involuntarily wrapped his legs around the South-African’s waist, it was like they had been doing this for ages. “So, where does this leave us?”

 

“I don’t know,” Joe said, resting his forehead against Caspar’s. “All I know is that I’ve spent eighteen years of my life without _this_ … and now that I have it, I’m not willing to let it go.”

 

“Neither am I,”

 

It was a mess, _they_ were a mess… but somehow, it worked.

 

**Author's Note:**

> there we go, hope you enjoyed it! i suddenly had a burst of inspiration which was weird... but i'm glad because i really like this one :') thank you so much for reading!


End file.
